THE SNUGGLE
The development of this moment & Marlowe & Everett’s relationship
This morning’s snuggle.
If one photo had a million feelings, this would be it. I was busy working on my computer when Everett called a few times “Mom, look at me and Marlowe.” When I finally did glance over at them, my heart melted. There they both were, snuggling sweetly together on a dog bed.
Marlowe has had a really hard time with Everett, so this moment was everything to me- an accumulation of 4 years of management, supervision, patience, and hope. Both of my babies enjoying each other’s company.
This post is for any parent-to-be or any parent struggling with dogs and kids/babies.
When I was pregnant, family and friends would ask “what are you going to do about River?” River is my once-feral-still-stranger-danger dog. I shrugged and said “I’ll cross that bridge if I get there.” Surprise- River has never been an issue as if she’s uncomfortable she just leaves and is happy outside doing her own thing. Marlowe, on the other hand, threw a wrench into motherhood. The other wrench was that I was put on bed rest and all of my plans to prepare my dogs for baby went out the window.
As soon as Everett made his appearance in June 2021 Marlowe started guarding him. She would sit by his Pack n’ Play when he was sleeping and growl at any dog who walked by. When she growled at Duchess I knew I had a problem on my hands, as Duchess was the matriarch and no one ever bossed her around. Another concerning incident was when my sister and I were on my bed with Everett and Marlowe. My sister’s dog tried to jump onto the bed and Marlowe lunged at her, growling, and placed her own body on top of newborn Everett (very gently, but still very concerning behaviour). Some might see this as “oh cute, she’s protecting him,” and I wish I could say such a thing, but my trainer brain knew she was behaving like I was marinating a little squirrel for her. Being a new mom, I couldn’t put my trainer hat on and figure this out on my own, so I had a consultation with a trainer friend who has experience with dogs and kids. Her first suggestion was “can Marlowe live with someone else for 6 months?” Hoping that in 6 months she wouldn't view Everett as a little squirrel anymore. I was devastated. I sobbed. This was not the news my hormones needed. And in no world was that going to happen, I couldn’t possibly send my OG baby anywhere else.
When the tears subsided I took a breath and thought no, Marlowe has really good skills. I have good skills. We just need to put them to work. And most importantly, we needed to get some management into place. In came baby gates of varying shapes and sizes (Wal Mart has a great selection online), and Dad with his tools. I divided our kitchen/living room right in half. I gated off the play room, the stairs, our ensuite bathroom, and the back entry way. In separating Marlowe from Everett I knew I was keeping him safe, but something else happened as well. I was concerned that Marlowe would be stressed and unhappy, as she was used to sleeping with me in bed and being around me all the time. But Marlowe seemed relieved. It was like putting her behind the baby gate told her Don’t worry. This baby is none of your business. I have a handle on this, I will keep everyone safe and comfortable, you can relax. And relax she did. She slept quite happily on a dog bed in our ensuite as I had Everett in or near my bed for quite some time. She hung out on the other side of the gate when we were in the play room. If Everett was with me in the kitchen then Marlowe got to be in the living room. I gave myself lots of options for rotating everyone around.
Due to pregnancy complications I was unable to work with Marlowe around the stroller before Everett arrived. Thankfully she already had really good leash skills so adding the stroller was not a problem. Walking was a great outlet for both of us.
We lived in a “gated household” for 2.5 or 3 years. Marlowe has gone through phases with Everett, depending on his stage of development. At times I was able to ease off on some of the management, then Everett would change and I’d go back to heavier management. When Everett started crawling we had to go back to strict separation as if he crawled towards Marlowe she would growl. And what did I do? Thanked her. Thank you for letting me know that you are uncomfortable. I now know I need to make some changes here to keep everyone safe and comfortable. NEVER get upset with your dog for growling. It is their warning system, their only way of communicating that they are uncomfortable, and as the adult in the household it is our job to arrange the environment for success. You do not want to risk your dog skipping the growl and going straight to a bite.
Snacks for Marlowe through the baby gate. Safely making positive associations!
In having baby gates up, I inadvertently also taught Everett to be very neutral around the dogs. They were always around but off limits. He wasn’t able to think about grabbing them or bothering them or trying to pet them. This was very evident when he was 2 years old and I took him to an agility trial with me. He happily played with his cars as dogs were all around him. Some people asked to use him to socialize their new puppy around children, as Everett was just neutral and fairly uninterested in the dogs. I supervised of course, but was pleased to see I didn’t need to worry about him trying to touch a dog who wouldn't appreciate it.
I successfully got Everett and Marlowe to be generally neutral towards each other. Then as Everett got older and was able to follow some instructions I began introducing positive interactions between him and the dogs. He could toss them or feed them treats. He’d help me prepare their meals, he’d throw food outside and play “find it” with them.
Future dog trainer
Everett is 4 years old now and most of our baby gates are gone (I have kept the play room gated off still so he can play in peace, eat a snack without being bothered, or I can keep dogs away from guests. It’s just nice to have options). This year I have really seen Marlowe going from neutral to seeing Everett as another member of our family to love. Everett has learned about dog body language and can manage himself fairly well now. Marlowe will still occasionally grumble when he goes to pet her and he knows to give her space. He knows that when River leaves, just let her go as she is making a good choice. He’ll tell other people “River is scared.” In the evenings when Everett goes to bed Marlowe often joins him. When I get my treat bag out to do some training Everett gets his and works on basic skills with the dogs. It has all been so validating to see.
So that snuggle they had this morning? It was everything to me.
My Coles notes for parents or parents-to-be:
Before baby arrives binge the Pooch Parenting podcast
Check out Dog Meets Baby on social media
Family Paws is also a good resource
Get baby gates up and get your dog used to being on the other side, preferably before baby arrives. Separation is not segregation. Provide snuffle mats, Kongs, and yummy chews for your dog to enjoy when behind a gate.
If your dog sleeps in bed with you, get them used to sleeping elsewhere. Baby is going to end up spending time on your bed and who knows if baby will sleep in bed with you or not (I never intended to co-sleep but ended up doing so).
Have a plan for your dogs to still get out and about as usual. Baby carriers are great so you can walk your dog and wear baby. I enlisted the help of friends to do some agility with Marlowe while my body still healed. This gave her a great outlet.
Work with your dog around the stroller so your walks are more successful when baby arrives.
The Engage-Disengage game is a great one to help your dog make positive associations with baby/kids. Management is still key.
If your dog has anxiety or behaviour issues, try to address them long before baby’s arrival
If you can before baby is born, work on your dog’s basic skills. My top are: loose leash walking, leave it, look at me, place/on your bed.
Neutral is your goal. There is plenty of time for your dog and baby to become friends. Trust me, it is worth the wait.
I would be happy to help you with your baby/kids and dog. Please reach out if you are struggling or want to prepare your dogs before the arrival of a baby. I’ve been there, I get it.